The Day it All Changed
Everything was normal. Then one day, out of the blue, I couldn’t breathe. I felt like I was going to die. I was half-way through my one-year assignment at Kunsan Air Base in South Korea when my life changed!
At the time, I was 32 years old. Six months earlier my wife Shannon had given birth to our second son, Hayden. Just a month after he arrived into this world, and with our oldest son Collin being only 14 months old, I headed to South Korea to complete a one-year assignment without my family. Stress was high to say the least, my wife had moved in with her brother, his wife, and their two little girls. We thought that since they had a big house, and that we probably wouldn’t live close to them in the future, it would be cool for them to live together and form some tight bonds and relationships. It was something that my wife hadn’t really ever had in her childhood.
The Air Force is very transparent in that they want you to complete your Community College of the Air Force degree before you become a Senior Noncommissioned Officer. At this time, it was a requirement to even be considered for promotion to the top ranks. I was one class away and knew that I needed to get it done. For my last course, I chose Psychology 101. It seemed interesting and my hopes were that it would keep me entertained long enough to pass and be complete with my degree. Keep in mind that my job at the time was as an airfield lighting technician. It is no secret that I didn’t really want to be sitting in a classroom, however it seemed like the best solution to my dilemma.
It was around 10:30 on Saturday morning, and about half-way through the 12-week course. As I sat in the small, hot classroom, and as the instructor discussed several mental issues, I began to feel as though the room was becoming even smaller. I started to sweat, and my chest became unfamiliarly tight. Up until this moment I had never felt anything like this. It was as if someone had sucked all the air in the room out with a vacuum and I was the only one affected. Looking around as if time just stopped, I jumped up and ran to the bathroom. This was the first time in my life that I felt like I might die…how did this even happen? I went to my dorm room and laid down in bed, covered my head with a pillow, and tried to block the world out.
The next morning, I decided to go to the emergency room because I didn’t feel right. They ran tests on my heart, and everything came back normal. The doctor gave me some valium and sent me on my way. It still didn’t make sense and I was confused.
This is the part where I tell you how hard-headed I am. For the next 8 years I struggled with a mental illness, mild as it may be, but it affected my life more than I would ever realize. The only reason I can honestly say that I kept pushing it off was that I didn’t understand why it was happening. How could I talk about it? Would anyone really understand?
After a deployment to Afghanistan in 2017, I had decided that enough was enough. It was time to go and talk to somebody. I was being short with my family because I was always on edge. My attitude was negative most of the time because I felt drained and couldn’t re-energize. Even though I would get a good night sleep, it felt as if I had just slept for only a few hours. Still, why was this happening?
I had just been back from my deployment for about 5 months and that was when I finally made my appointment with my health care provider. Of course, it is always an awkward conversation to kick it off, especially with the medical technician that wants to get your whole story before the doctor actually comes in. How do you say, I am not crazy, I just feel off? To be honest, one of the main reasons that I decided to go was because one of my friends that I was deployed with was going through some of the same things, but he was able to pinpoint the PTSD that caused it. Funny enough, I told him that if his leg was broken, he would go to the doctor to get it fixed, but why wouldn’t he go to the doctor to get help for his mind? That is why I took my own advice. But, as I sat in the room talking to the medical technician, I thought to myself, it would be so much easier to walk in here with a broken leg. I could just say, “that is the problem right there, let’s get on with the surgery”.
Of course, my doctor listened, and at the very end says that she is just a general practice doctor, she would have to send me to behavioral health to meet with a specialist. I smiled nicely knowing that I just spilled my guts to only find out I would have to do it all again with another person. This news didn’t quite fill me with joy and so I headed to the car. Through this process I can see why so many people get frustrated and give up. The monotonous task of getting to ground zero of the problem can sometimes seem insurmountable. I wasn’t going to let this derail me though—my family’s happiness, and my own personal happiness was on the line. An appointment with behavioral health was made shortly thereafter.
As I took the elevator to the second floor of the hospital, my stomach started to get tight, I knew it was time to spill my guts again and hope that the individual sitting across from me didn’t look at me like I am crazy. This time when I walked into the doctor’s office it was more like a counselor setting. He greeted me and we just began talking about why I was there. One of the best ways I could describe how I was feeling most of the time was that it was like that fear you get when you see flashing lights behind you and you know that you are getting pulled over. Anxiety rushes through your body, you wonder what it is that you did, are you in trouble, and how much trouble you are in. Most of the time I didn’t feel like a ten out of ten but on any given day I did feel like a six or seven out of ten. After explaining this to him, he stated that he completely understood where I was coming from and he could share with me what was happening. Finally, an answer.
He stated that when someone goes through an experience in their life where their body gets turned onto alert mode. If it isn’t addressed and something isn’t done, it can stay there permanently. It can happen from several things, but mine was more than likely stemming from a panic attack. He couldn’t pin down exactly what caused the attack, but he did say that as we go through life, there are many different experiences that can cause our body to trigger that response. Sometimes it sticks and sometimes it doesn’t, kind of like a throttle on a car. Ninety-nine percent of the time it can go back to normal, however, it just takes one time for it not to, and there you are.
His suggestion was to take an anti-anxiety pill to teach my body what it feels like to leave the alert mode. He stated that I have to help it learn what normal looks like. The sad part is that you don’t know how long it will take. It also depends on what type of lifestyle that you have. If you lead a stressful life it will be hard to return to normal in a reasonable amount of time. A person might have to stay on the medication until their life changes and becomes less stressful.
I will not say that the road was easy. For the first three to four months I had to try a few medications and I even had a couple bad reactions in conjunction with my acid reflux medication. At the time, I was ready to give up. It was discouraging to go back over and over to try new options. However, let me leave you with this. My life has changed so much since the medication equalized my system. I can tell that my patience is better, even though I really never possessed much anyway. I don’t feel on edge all day and most of the time, I can feel re-energized and ready to take on the day. It frustrates me that it took almost 8 years to go and talk to someone.
If you are experiencing any kind of mental obstacles, don’t let your ego or stubbornness stop you from seeking help. Understand that it will be a tough road and more than likely it will take some trial and error, but your happiness is on the line. It won’t go away on its own, just like a broken leg won’t heal correctly on its own. Put your big boy or big girl pants on and make an appointment to speak with a specialist that can help you understand the bigger picture. Life is way too short to waste even one day!
Editor’s Note: Doug Vineswas born in the great city of Lawrence Kansas. He joined the UnitedStates Air Force in March of 2000 and currently serves as the Chief EnlistedManager of the Civil Engineer Squadron at Royal Air Force Base Mildenhall inthe United Kingdom. He holds two Associate’s degrees and aBachelor’s degree in Organizational Management from Ashford University.